The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said,
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,
ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
sh*t on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT......
|
|
|
|
|
|
To be posted VERY LOW on
the refrigerator door -
nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw
print are yours and
contain your food. The
other dishes are mine
and contain my food.
Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle
of my plate of food does
not stake a claim
for it becoming yours,
nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing
in
the slightest.
The stairway was not
designed by NASCAR and
is not a
racetrack....beating me
to the top or bottom is
not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything
bigger than a king sized
bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think
I will continue sleeping
on the couch to
ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a
ball
when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep
stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.
I also know that
sticking tails straight
out and having tongues
hanging out the other
end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there
is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat
you there and manage to
get the door shut,
it
is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try
to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door
open. I must exit
through the same door I
entered. Also, I have
been using the
bathroom for years --
canine or feline
attendance is not
required.
The proper order is kiss
me, then go smell the
other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress
this enough!
To pacify you, my dear
pets, I have posted the
following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners
Who Visit & Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You
don't.
2. If you don't want
their hair on your
clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why
they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pet a lot
better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an
animal. To me, he is an
adopted son who is
short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways,
dogs and cats are better
than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money
all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when
called
5. Never ask to drive
the car
6. Don't hang out with
drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the
latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear
your clothes
10. Don't need a
"gazillion" dollars for
college. And
finally,
11. If they get
pregnant, you can sell
their children.
|
| | |